LJ Backup 2005 05

282,2005-05-14 10:11:00,2005-05-14 15:19:53

Hi.

"Okay, so I have been buzzing about the LJ, lurking and trying not to post. It's too much like dropping a junkie who never completed rehab in a pharmaceutical distributorship. I find I like who I am on-line, because I can edit, pause to reflect, and spellcheck and not sound like the idiot I am, live or on tape.

To be honest, I'm not sure what I'll be doing with this, except kvetching about what pissed me off that day."

731,2005-05-15 08:32:00,2005-05-15 14:18:54

"The fangirl, episode I"

"

Yesterday was comic day at Haus Loewenstein. After after picking up the box at Grand Adventures and before buying too much shojuo manga at the local chain store, we happened upon a closet cleaning at Outer Limits.

It seems one of the employees was paring down his Star Wars collectibles and selling off the extras. The entire store inventory related to the movies was also on sale. It was then that I found myself in the grip of the dark side - my inner fangirl (SQUEEEL!)

I have made a purchase that has absolutely nothing to do with Lucas' franchise, but is related. You see, one of my current vices is the world of webcomics. Among my pushers is Shaennon Garrity. Sarge is the creator of Narbonic.  Would that I could identify with the female characters, I am closest to Dave, which is okay, since he has occasionally been female.

My purchase has been a quiet joke to my husband, and a source of confusion for my son. "But, it's a KID'S toy, Mommie. Why do you have it?"I am unable to explain the connection. I don't quite understand the impulse, myself.

It is from the 1997 series, Collection 2, No. 69721. It is not the original 1980s version, and is nowhere near as valuable, but it is a small connection. It is Saelt-Marae

I purchased a Yak Face. 

"

952,2005-05-16 15:03:00,2005-05-16 20:44:17

On those who have brains yet refuse to use them

"I work for an entity that deals with those who are unable to work. Because of that, I also have to deal with people who think they are not able to work. I cannot detail the workplace further, but it may be similar to something you have encountered in your travels.

The picayune details do not really matter: suffice to say I am called a liar several times a day, and treated as if I were anacephalic.

Now, I may have been raised differently, but I thought if someone sends you a letter, it is only polite to read it before calling the sender to ask what they wanted. That way, you can have an intelligent conversation concerning said information. Apparently, this is not what happens, at least not to those who receive my letters.

There is also my quirk that I do not assume the person on the other end of this information exchange will automatically know who I am, just by giving my name. I have the letter in hand, and try to cooperate by having the necessary information at hand. The only time I do not do this is someone who is a friend who sends a hand written note, or more frequently, is a friend or family member on my buddy list. I have found that I am a freak for doing this, and there are many people out there who expect me to know who they are by the sound of their voice - even if I have never spoken to them before.

I realized in preschool that the world does NOT revolve around me, and I try to have patience with representatives of corporations I have to deal with in my private life, like the mortgage company, utility providers and credit agencies. I know I am one of many people they will have to deal with that shift, so I try not to initiate an argument right off the bat. I find I am more unique in this area than I thought.

I am no saint - I have been known to work my way through managers attempting to get an answer to my question. I do on occasion express anger and extreme displeasure. I have even been known to get to the edge of hysteria when pushed. But to my knowledge, I have never called someone from whom I need help a "stupid cow" or worse, nor have I commented unfavorably on their ancestry.

Is it the anonymity that makes people feel they must make their point forcefully and immediately? Have we made politeness obsolete? Is it obligatory to abuse consumer representatives in both the public and private sector?",

1064,2005-05-18 14:09:00,2005-05-18 19:10:43

My brain won't shut up.

An idle mind is the Devil's workshop - I should be safe for a while. See, I've been posting a fanfic over on the Narbonic message board, and haven't been able to let it end. I finally left it at what I hope is a reasonable stopping point, because the brain won't stop suggesting tangents.

If only I could get rolling on my ideas as well.

1294,2005-05-18 19:57:00,2005-05-19 01:20:18

Old stuff that shouldn't see the light of day

But I am too stupid not to post it

Note from the author

This is a work of fan fiction. The characters in this story stem from the comic Narbonic by Shaenon K. Garrity, found at Modern Tales. Any errors in personality, appearance, behavior, technology or general existence are the fault of the author's lack of research, comedic license or simply the product of her sick and twisted mind. Any resemblence to persons living, dead, undead or synthetic is a fluke.\par
<end lawyer repellent statement>

This was my take on the last night of the Mad Scientists Symposium. It completely ignores the interaction of Artie and Titus, because most of it was written before that strip appeared. Yeah, I know, it's sentimental garbage. I only keep it to remind myself of the importance of editing. What you are reading now is different from my original scripting. That will probably never be seen by others, if I have anything to do with it.

>>>>

Helen returned to the room to find Dave, sitting curled up on the bed.

"Lovelace is the computer, isn't she?"he asked.

"Well..., yes, she is." Helen sat down on the opposite bed.

Dave groaned, "Great, Now the entire mad science community is using me for their experiments."  

"What?"

"Madblood set up the ultimate Turing test and needed a tech patsy. I'd be furious if I wasn't afraid my geek license would be revoked for not catching on sooner."Dave shifted to stare at the floor.

"I don't think that will be an issue. Madblood doesn't seem to know about your, hm, correspondence. Lovelace asked me to bring you to her."

"She talked to you, but wouldn't speak with me in the room."Dave said, apparently to the floor.

"What do you think? She was nervous. Her first date ever, and you brought a chaperon!"By now, Helen was crossing from concerned to confused, and considering a side-trip into exasperation.

Dave sighed."She could have corrected my assumptions, but she didn't."

Helen stood and waited. "Are you going, or not?"She gave the impression of a woman about to start tapping her foot in impatience.

"Narbon! I demand you show yourself! You shall pay for your sabotage, woman!"Madblood shouted as he pounded on the hotel room door.

Dave gaped at Helen. "I leave you alone in his room for ten minutes and you sabotage Lovelace? What did you do?"

"Generally, I wouldn't call girl-talk sabotage, but she may be upset with him, and rightfully so."Helen looked worried.

Dave rubbed his face "I thought Artie was the one who was supposed to convince Madblood's creations to revolt. Did you intend to have an evil showdown tonight?"

"I'm not geared up for it right now, and I don't want to be responsible for the damages to the hotel."Helen grimaced, "I'd prefer to duel on an abandoned property, and I'm not familiar with the layout of this town."

"So you don't want to duke it out in the hotel, fine. Are you at least going to open the door and tell him to go home?"

"I - don't feel that is a good idea, either. Actually, this may be a good time to avoid him all together." Strangely, Helen had backed as far away from the door as the room permitted.

"Fine. I'll tell him," Dave moved to the door.

"Wait - no - I don't want him to know where either of us are right now." Helen dithered.

Dave thought a bit. "You want him confused?" Helen noded her head in a blur. "I can't believe I'm asking this - did you bring the mints?"

"You are willingly subjecting yourself to this for my convenience? This is disturbingly loyal, Dave."

"Just hide in the bathroom while I deal with him." Dave swallowed the mint and took his glasses off. After the transformation <Splort> his/her pajama bottoms no longer fit. "Oh, crap."

Dave answered the door with the security chain on. She squinted at Madblood, saying "Do you mind? People are trying to sleep."

Professor Lupin Madblood was stunned - "oh, my" he thought. He tried to explain "I beg your pardon - I was told this was Helen Narbon's room." A properly intimidating demeanor was difficult to maintain while blushing.

Dave glared through the opening, and responded "She's not here. What do you want?"

Madblood's disjointed response of "Hm? Oh. Nothing. Hmm." was disturbing.

Dave's foremost thought was "I don't need this."

While Madblood attempted to put together a coherent sentence, Dave muttered "Go sleep it off, you're drunk." and firmly shut the door. Dave then leaned her ear against it.

Helen joined him at the door, having also swiched gender, wearing pajama bottoms. "Is there a problem?" he whispered as he looked through the security peephole. Helen's hand came to rest on Dave's shoulder.

The rebuffed professor looked dumbfounded at the door. Dave and Helen, on their side of the door, held their collective breath while watching and listening.

Madblood then sighed and smiled. At that moment, Dave had noticed Helen's hand on her upper arm, as did Helen.

Lupin Madblood walked away, whistling a disturbingly happy tune from the Buena Vista catalogue. Off key.

Helen and Dave were discomfited, but neither moved for a moment. Dave broke the silence by asking "Why did you change?"

"I didn't know if you were going to need back-up or not." Helen explained. "What did you do to him?"

Dave shuddered "I really do NOT want to know."

"You defused Madblood with your feminine charms?" Helen began to giggle.

Dave's response was as frantic as it was immediate "NO, NO, NO! I was rude to him and slammed the door on him!"

"Hee, hee, hee - Jill Connor Browne was right."

Dave thought while retreiving her glasses "I REALLY don't need this."

"Okay, time to reverse this." Dave said, "Here's your shirt."

"I don't think so." Helen replied.

"Y-you're going to go topless?"

Helen frowned "Your prurient nature aside, Dave - The reversal of these transformations could be ineffective if performed too soon after the initial switch. Our bodies have been building tolerances to the original formula. I really think we should wait an hour or two."

"I can't very well go see Lovelace like this!" Dave was becoming extremely angsty, again.

Helen apparently was not going to be helpful. "And she probably won't recognize you as a contralto on the 'phone, either."

"It's rude to make this sort of apology by IM." Dave pouted.

Helen raised an eyebrow "You are getting to be little too good at the woman's perspective. Nevertheless, by the time we could change back, Lupin will be back in his room. I dare say you would have a better chance gaining access to his room in your current state, but then that would not further your cause with Lovelace. Unless, of course, you have discussed your exercises in getting in touch with your femininity,"

Dave's anger began to build "That's catty, even for you, Helen. As if YOU discussed your male bonding experiences with Madblood."

Helen stretched out on the bed "One good thing about this conference. I've seen the range of Madblood's socialization skills. To randomly misquote, 'he expresses the full range of emotions from A to B.' The evil goatee may be cute, but his focus is best suited for solitary pursuits, which is probably why there are few carbon-based lifeforms in his lab. Eh, you can have him."

"I don't want HIM, I want - " she became very still and quiet in that moment. She steadied herself and took a few deep breaths. Calming down took counting to ten, then in binary code. Helen began to worry the stress had been too much.

Finally Dave was able to speak quietly. "Never mind. I'm going to attempt to write an appropriate apology to Lovelace and then go to sleep." Logging on to the lab webspace, Dave noticed an IM from Lovelace, asking if he had a sister. "Odd question, concerning our last supposed contact..."

Helen stood up and asked, "Something wrong? He walked to the side of the desk.

Dave murmured "She just posted this. How long would you say it takes to get from here to their room?"

Helen thought a bit and came up with "Under five minutes, depending on how busy the elevators are. Why?"

A dread speculation began to overtake Dave. "Seriously, just how secret do you want the gender reassignment formula to be? Have you and Artie worked out the patent yet?"

"I haven't gotten full approval yet. Artie couldn't appear on the paperwork because he doesn't have an identity within the legal system yet. If you don't stop answering my questions with more questions..."

"Let me see where this is going... I don't like the first conclusion I've had." Dave typed a cautious reply to the query [not that I'm aware of.] She began working up the next message [I'm sorry I ran off, but]...

Lovelace's reply was almost immediate. [Lupin is working on schematics for a new android design. It's the first female design he has seriously attempted. The specs remind me of you, though.]

"crapcrapcrap..." Dave's brain went offline.

"Oh, that's not good. You need to convince her that would be a Very Bad Idea. Dave? Dave, I need you here, not in a coma." Helen touched her on the shoulder, "Dave?"

It had been a long evening filled with fairly uncomfortable revelations. It was about to get longer. Dave slowly came back down from the hiding place in the corner of her brain. "Heh, heh, heh." Dave grinned.

"Dave, that is nearly as unsettling as when my mother does it." Helen took a step back.

Dave's eyes lit with a bit of sadistic glee."I think it is time for the Professor to deal with the other side of the sociological equation."

Helen bit his lip "You realize this puts me in the rather uncomfortable position of trying to make a sane argument against your evil, twisted scheme." Helen began to pace. "Why don't you clue me into the plan, and see if I can help, or find any holes in the execution."

Dave's chortling slowed. "We are going to give Lupin Madblood a very interesting experience. You and I are going to pay the Professor a visit, and spike his drink with a mint."

"And how do you plan to change him back? DO you plan to change him back?" Helen was now torn between the excitement of another test subject for the gender reassignment formula, and the reservations concerning the outcome of the meeting.

Dave's giggling stopped. "Well, considering Madblood's current stature, I figured it would be easy, for you at least, to drink him under the table, and leave the saliva sample on the bedside table with a label reading 'Drink Me'. Or I might mail it to him later, I haven't decided yet."Dave typed to Lovelace [stall - cavalry on the way] and told Helen "Change into my suit, then help me with my makeup. Your dress should fit me." She started towards the bathroom.

"No, Dave. This is going beyond what even I would approve. Besides, Madblood has already seen you this evening. You said you were sleeping. He could get suspicious if you appeared at his door dressed to the nines." Helen's apprehension showed in his voice.

"You're saying he does not consider himself enough of a babe magnet to have a woman follow him to his lair after a single chance meeting?" Dave crossed her arms and gave Helen the raised eyebrow.

Helen sighed "No, darn it, he IS that shallow and self-centered. But I didn't bring any extra hose. The shoes are bad enough with them."

It turned out the evening wear did not fit, but a reasonable compromise was made. "I didn't know you HAD any off-the shoulder blouses" Dave said. It brought several more images to the hidden files.

Helen shrugged. "On me, they're not. You still slouch as a girl."

"I guess that explains why the suit looks better on you. The tie is too loose, though." Dave was annoyed Helen could make his clothes better.

"After hours look. We'd better go."

In the elevator, Helen asked "Have you thought about what you're going to say?"

"Not really, just listening to the voices in my head. That's what you do, right?" Dave grinned up at Helen.

Talk about role reversal, Helen thought. "I'm beginning to see your perspective. What shall I call you in front of Madblood? I'm sure he would recognise you if I call you 'Dave'."

"Ah. Hm. Okay - 'Ava' is phonetically close, so slip ups might not be as noticeable, but isn't an obvious feminization of 'Dave'. How do you feel about the name 'Allen'?" Dave was winging it, and enjoying it for once. He hit a wall with Helen's next words.

"As the name of our first-born, no. But I can live with it for an evening." There, Helen thought. Don't try to out-mad me, boyo. "Ah, here we are. Quick side trip to the bar, and then back up."

Titus was still in the bar. As much as he had been drinking, Dave believed the rumors of his ability to survive anything. She walked up to the bar and ordered a bottle of bourbon.

"Dave." Titus' tone was casual, as if his brother henchman was not any different from earlier in the evening.

"Titus."

"I still don't want to know."

"Fine." Dave charged the booze to Madblood's room and left.

"What was that all about?" Helen asked. He was dumbfounded and dismayed that Dave was recognized.

"Don't worry about it. He'll either dismiss it as alcoholic dementia or his subconscious taking him for a hellride. I doubt he'll mention it to anyone, including me." Dave tucked the bottle under her arm and headed back to the elevators.

>>>>

Madblood was not having a good evening. After striking out at reception (he preferred to consider it selectiveness on his part) he had returned to find Lovelace in a foul mood (which he had NOT programmed her for) and found out that Narbon (the little minx) had spent the evening with the AI. For some reason, Lovelace had attempted to convince him to spend the evening in the bar. He then had not been able to find Helen, instead he found... a vision. Well, maybe not a vision, but a chick who answered the door half-naked. Even at that she seemed shy (in Lupin's mind, at least) and he had returned to the room, full of new plans. Lovelace had initially been cooperative in his proposal to build a female android, but now she was QUESTIONING his design choices. He was to the point of reprogramming her when there was a knock at the door. He opened the door on the security chain, then slammed it shut to fumble with the chain and throw the door wide. SHE was here, and he wasted no time laying on the charm "Ahegr, maak ufre!" It was then he noticed she was not alone. "Ahem. I don't believe we have been introduced. I am..."

Helen said "Your reputation proceeds you, Professor Madblood. My... sister and I are employed by Helen B. Narbon. We would like to discuss your actions earlier this evening."

"We brought booze!" Dave chimed in "Let's talk." The pair maneuvered themselves in to the room, which was quite a feat, considering both had left their glasses upstairs. "So this is your supercomputer. This is great! We didn't get to see the demo downstairs." Dave handed the bottle off to Madblood and crossed to Lovelace.

"Are you..." Lovelace started, but Dave gave a tiny frown and shake of the head - "part of the biological or IT department?" she concluded.

"Oh, you could probably say both. Small lab, everybody has to multitask, you know" Helen said as he brought glasses from the minbar. "Crack that open, and let's get back to the issue at hand."

Madblood poured, and commented "Normally, I would not have introduced myself so abruptly, but Helen was here earlier, and I had not given her access to the room. Lovelace has been uncommunicative and obstinate this evening."

"Could I chat with her and see what's up?" Dave asked, trying her best at a winsome smile. Gah, I don't believe I'm doing this, she thought. "I have a little experience in programming relations." Dave took a glass from Helen.

Madblood was not experienced enough to say no. "Ah, sure, go right ahead." He took a glass from Helen. "I think I may have spoken with you before, but didn't catch your name."

"Allen White, and my sister Ava. Look, what was behind that tantrum, anyway? Last I heard, you and Helen were back on speaking terms."Helen took a small sip - bourbon was not her usual drink, but they needed Madblood out, and soon.

Meanwhile, Dave was typing furiously [Lovelace, it's a lot to explain, but I have an apology to make, first.]

[You are not Dave. you are similar, but you are not HIM] Lovelace was not using the voice simulation, at least.

[believe me, it's been a long strange trip. i'm bluemoose, and a fool] Dave was trying hard not to let any of the emotions show, lest Madblood notice.

At this point, however, Madblood was out like a light. "What did you do?" Lovelace said, closing down the keyboard and initiating defense mechanisms.

"Don't worry, he's okay. Simple knockout drops." Helen said. " We are not here to harm you or the Professor, at least not tonight. Please understand - Dave needed to talk to you and we had a bit of an incident."

"Helen? Dave? I... " Lovelace's voice simulation of Ms Connelly was dropped. " Initiating full diagnostic. MIAG 'Lovelace' online and operational. User Lupin_Madblood... "

"Initiate subparameter 201 moonbase DK, please!" Dave shrieked.

"User Dave_Davenport acknowledged. AI setting: free will cooperation" Lovelace intoned. "Wait, what?"

"Sorry, Lovelace. I guessed he hadn't written your entire program since the moonbase exploded, and I took a chance. You haven't used that section of your programming since then, have you?" Dave gently touched the screen.

"Madblood never says 'please'. Your voiceprint may have changed, but your mannerisms confirm the impossible. Dave, what is going on?" Lovelace had resumed the voice simulation.

"I'm sorry, Lovelace, but what you don't know, you cannot tell." Helen said. "Dave, we need to change the plan. As enjoyable as giving Wolf a walk on the wild side may be, this is going to take precedence."

"Lovelace, I'm sorry, but I can't tell you all of it, boss' orders. All I can say is I'm sorry for being so stupid. I kept pushing you, and I shouldn't have." Dave was not quite sure what to do next.

[You were desperate for a normal relationship. This is not normal. I do not like it, but you are needing something I cannot give you. I know.] The words appeared slowly on Lovelace's screen.

Dave was still at a loss. She searched for the words to reach Lovelace. [We could still try to build an interface. It's not impossible.]

Lovelace sighed. [While I was doing a background check on you, I found out about your current negotiations with the county. You are ready NOW, and I may not be able to help. Not for a very long time.]

Now it was Dave who was struck dumb with shock. Sure, he hadn't really tried to hide his movements, but this? [What do you mean?]

[I cannot be your partner in this, and surely on some level you realize it. Now I know who I was supposed to replace. I cannot do it.] Lovelace asked Helen, "How is he?"

"Vitals nominal. He should be sleeping normally in about thirty minutes, and may sleep until morning. Are you almost done, Dave?" Helen sounded tired, but not annoyed.

"Almost. How are you getting home? The cannon isn't here." Dave began typing a subroutine that would allow Lovelace to hide the past half-hour in her memory from Madblood.

"I don't know. I hope I can get shipped normally." [Thank you, Dave. Could I ask one last favor of you?]

Dave was puzzled by the continued subtext. [Sure, what can I do?]

[I may not be your ideal, but I value your contact... could I be your friend?] Lovelace's screen cleared of everything except that question.

"Yes, Lovelace, I'd like that... excuse me. I should go." Dave abruptly got up and out the door.

Lovelace quickly said "Helen, please wait - I have to tell you something."

Helen glared at the computer. "I have to check on Dave."

"Please take care of him. He is not ready to ask for the thing he wants most in the world. But he has to ask for it, and that will not be easy for him to do." Lovelace's voice simulation was flat.

Helen left without a word and caught up with Dave as the elevator arrived. Neither spoke on the trip back to the room. Dave changed in the bathroom and washed off the makeup. Helen had changed into pajamas while Dave had cleaned up.

"Goodnight, Helen."

"Dave, talk to me. What did Lovelace say to you?" Helen lightly grasped Dave by the shoulders.

"She... she wants to stay friends." Dave said to the floor. "I still feel like nine kinds of crap about this."

"That doesn't fit with what she talked about earlier. Why the change of heart?"

Dave sighed. ""She found out I was looking at houses, in the good school districts."

Helen hugged her, and Dave automatically put her arms around him. "I didn't know it was that serious."

Dave sniffed a bit. ""That's just it. I thought it was. She isn't."

Helen held her a bit longer. "Do you want to sleep now, or change first?"

"If it's been long enough," Dave said, "I'd like to change back." Maybe it was the bourbon, or the emotional turmoil, but this time , the fluid exchange felt different for Dave. It was almost - personal.

1598,2005-05-20 05:51:00,2005-05-20 11:01:20

Family stories

"Sometime about the turn of the century, Mama started pestering me about writing down the stories I told around the fires of our peoples. I waffled, stating I didn't have the time. Of course, the real problem was I have been reading the tales my grandmother has written.

Maw-maw has been compiling the family history as she saw it. Now in her tenth decade (she's going to hate me for hinting at her age, more on that later) she seems to be looking back through frosted rose-colored glasses. There have been comments made at family gatherings, some sotto voce and others at full volume, that the events were not as she said. She glossed over some events, ignored others and reveled in the ones that make her look good.

I'm no different. I have many stories, but few that I am the star, or that translate well to those outside my head. Others may remember some of these events differently. Tough, write your own stories.

I was born in Nashville, TN on June 1, 1967, giving me the same release date as Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band . Well, if you go by the UK release date, anyway. That got me a free pizza for my 20th birthday. It seems the local radio station was having a contest for the most interesting response for "What were you doing 'twenty years ago today'?" I got an honorable mention, because my answer disqualified me from the prize, free passes to a show at a bar.

June 1st has a few other interesting historical occurrences. In 1495, Friar John Cor recorded the first known batch of scotch whisky. The date in 1935 saw the first driving tests introduced in Britain, and it was the date in in 1938 that Action Comics issued the first Superman comic. Charles Schultz's Peanuts comic strip introduced Linus' security blanket June 1, 1954. I sometimes wonder at the impact these events have had on my life.

Some events I was around for include the first broadcast day for the Cable News Network in 1980 and the treaty related to the Chemical Weapons Convention was signed in 1990. Hmm.

I share this birthdate with many people, such as Andy Griffith, Marilyn Monroe, and Jonathan Pryce. Brigham Young and Pat Boone are in the mix as well. Helen Keller died on my first birthday, and DeForrest Kelley died on my 22nd.

And now you see my problem. I find often find other people's history more interesting than my own. The Internet hasn't made this any better. Wikipedia is my best friend. I am easily distracted, especially if I'm bored. There is a good chance I am marginally ADD, especially since my son has ADHD. I also have a minor problem with dyslexia, which was not diagnosed until my freshman year in college. My life has been guided by my insecurities. Enjoy.

I have often maintained I was raised in the wild by a pack of feral English professors. This answer developed from the question "Where y'all from, original?" My mother and grandmother have both been teachers. Maw-maw was a teacher for many years in Coffee County, a fact that gave her the power of fear over a generation of the locals. My Aunt Linda was also a teacher until her retirement. Maw-maw and Mama taught English, and Aunt Linda was a science teacher. I am not a teacher due in some small part to the fact that Mama got smart in the '70's and bailed. She was willing to share the horror stories of the educational field, and therefore saved me from a fate worse than death.

The high incidence of educators in the family was not the only reason I tend to not have a Southern drawl unless I'm tired or drunk. Public television must also share the blame. Masterpiece Theatre and other dramatic presentations on WDCN-8 were regular viewing in our house. Mama's degree was actually in theatre, with minors in education and English. I can't remember a time when there were not a ton of books in the house.

As others my age can attest, I can remember a time when there was no VCR in the house, much less a DVD player. There were four television stations in our area when I was growing up, and I was lucky PBS was the network for one of them. Maw-maw related a story of babysitting me when I was a toddler. One of the instructions involved a favorite television show. At the appointed time, my grandmother turned on the television to channel 8, and began to panic when a show on Bavarian folk dancing began. She was sure my program had been moved. I sat down and watched, because that was my regular show.

I wasn't a total freak (stop laughing, Mama). I watched the regular kid's programming, but unlike others, I was apparently not harmed by it. Public television had much to do with it. Fred Rogers was one of my favorite adults. If he told you there wasn't a reason to be scared of something, it was okay. He told the truth - if the shot the doctor gave you was going to hurt, it did. But he also explained why you needed it in a way you could understand without making you feel stupid. All that came back when the public service announcements after 9/11 aired. It was okay, we could handle this, Mr. Rogers said so. I spent half a day online when he died, looking at all the news obituaries.

I learned to drive, for the most part, in Knoxville. Mama was after her second degree, in architecture. I was attending high school at the time. It was kind of like having an older sister at times. A typical drive in the first few months I had my learner's permit would involve instructions, directions and commentary: "Okay, watch your distance, because a lot of people slow down going up this hill. We need to take the next left, so signal that you're going to change lanes OH MY GOD, will you look at those LEGS!" Mama has always been appreciative of joggers, tennis players, and any delivery guy that wears shorts well. The upshot of this kind of training is it was easier to tune out distractions while I was driving.

Driving with my grandmother is another proposition. She will NOT be IGNORED. I recently was her chauffeur to the winter family gathering. Mama said "Don't worry, she'll doze off soon after you cross the county line." She LIED! Maw-Maw chattered the entire four hours we were in the car. She didn't criticize my driving, but she insisted on navigating, in spite of having an out-of-date map and not driving outside the county herself in the past decade. On top of this, I am a smoker. Out of defernce to her sensibilities I did not light up. If I had not had a smoke at the rest stop, I might have left her there. I am sorry to say I did not follow her directions on the way back. Even though my route was longer, it took less time. At one point, I asked her if she wanted me to pull over and let her drive. She didn't take the hint.

Mama's driving is something else. Some direct quotes include "When a car's speedometer says it will go 120 mph don't you think it should? Or should they just make them to go 80?" and "It's got this annoying shimmy that starts at about 75mph, but straightens out at 85 or 90. Can you fix that, as well?" Her plumbumpodia is advanced enough she has a "little old lady" costume to wear to traffic court. It takes a normal driver four hours to get from my place to my sister's - Mama only needs three.

1973,2005-05-21 18:24:00,2005-05-21 23:37:35

chaos and ADD don't mix

"I'm trying to wrap up the elephantine short story I started, but instead, have managed to distract myself with several ideas. Mostly what if questions. What if an incubus rejected the status quo, refusing to steal somnolent energy to survive? What if someone could eavesdrop on the fantasies you created during your morning commute? What if your older sister was an AI?

Then there are all the zingers that zip through the mind at lightspeed, begging for a framework. Such as ["I'm older than I look." "Oh, yeah? Recite the preamble of the Constitution - WITHOUT singing."] or ["It seems that my daughter has decided it was time to to trap and train her mate. I admit, I'm not sure of her choice, but that's her decision. Her mother, on the other hand, will probably have more to say on the matter."] or even [Allen stuck his head in the door. Without his sunglasses, the optic implant was obvious. "Mom, this room is too small for one of your lectures. Can we move this discussion to the lounge?"]. Considering where I work, no wonder I get distracted easily."

2283,2005-05-23 13:29:00,2005-05-23 18:34:51

"work, work, work"

"I don't feel so bad about the things I say in my head about my job now. A co-worker shared the stories of Herbie, the petrified snail that lives in his cube, today. He gave me a brief overview of the custody battle over Herbie with the woman who encourages Herbie to cross-dress, the secret Iraqui missions, and the presidential telephone calls. The fact that this guy also bakes the best brownies I've had at work worries me, though."

2462,2005-05-28 12:36:00,2005-05-28 17:54:35

Surviving the rampaging horde

"The last of the den was packed off to points unknown a while ago, and I have been attempting to get my head back on.

Hyperactive Lad's Webelo den was camping in our back yard last night. We experimented with foil pouch pasta and meatballs (tip- do not forget the ice cubes) and went over the rules for playing with fire. I must now inform you this was in no way, shape or form an official scouting event. Because you are not supposed to perform third-shift fire-watch while splitting a case of beer and smoking cigars. Yes, they were my cigars.

I actually got to talk shop with someone who is also an unpublished writer. He's got a broader spectrum in his styles, but the conversation also veered through classic horror movies vs. current slasher flicks, does humor belong in music, and the importance of assassins to the economy of Renaissance Italy. This guy is also HL's den leader. I'm hoarse from talking for almost eight hours."

2578,2005-05-29 22:44:00,2005-05-30 04:03:07

"Dave's New Digs, Part 1"

This is another fanfiction based on Narbonic by Shaenon K. Garrity. It kinda got out of hand, but that's what happens to a lot of my stuff. I bailed on the original title when I posted to the forum, but it was kind of obvious who else was involved.

Queer Eye for the AI

Note from the author

This is a work of fan fiction. The characters in this story stem from the comic Narbonic by Shaenon K. Garrity, found at Modern Tales. Any errors in personality, appearance, behavior, technology or general existence are the fault of the author's lack of research, covered by an expired comedic license or simply something that tickled her sick and twisted mind. This is not intended as an accurate portrayal of persons living, dead, undead or synthetic.

<end lawyer repellent statement>

"Dave, there are some unexplained items in storage room L-67. Would you know anything about them?" Helen's tone was mild, but that never was a safe indicator of her mood. Barking mad, you know.

Dave hoped that the straightforward approach would work this time. "Oh, that's my stuff. I e-mailed the request to you three months ago, when the lease on my apartment expired." He kept his tone casual in hopes of making this a non-issue. "The new place should be ready at the end of the month, and the storage room should be clear in another."

Helen was not placated. "It looks like you have been LIVING here for those three months, which is Not a Good Thing. Please tell me that is not the case."

He sighed as he realized he was busted. "Sorry, Helen. I've been here because I bought a rehab property. Believe me, for the price I paid, it was no wonder it was inhabitable. I couldn't afford rent and the contractors and went with the long view investment. As I said, the new place is scheduled to clear the permit stage this week, and I should be moved in before the end of the month."

"Oh, good. From the looks of things, I was afraid we had a homeless squatter in the lab. I'll have to go over the utility expenditures to see if you owe the lab anything." Helen wandered off to her office.

"What expenditures? The lab is powered by the reactors and the water is pulled from the common pipes without the benefit of a meter!" Dave shouted after her.

"She did charge your first dead time to your vacation leave balance, remember?" Artie interjected. "She may or may not be serious. Who knows, she may just forget about it."

"Maybe so, maybe no. I guess it's up to the voices in her head, now. If I'm lucky, she'll get involved with an experiment that doesn't involve me, and I can be moved out before she remembers. I'd better check in with the contractor, just to make sure." Dave pulled out his cell phone while Artie went in search of Helen.

Helen's greeting was curt. "Artie, how long have you known Dave was living in the lab?"

"Ah. Since he moved in. It was kind of hard to miss, since I live here as well." Artie scampered up on Helen's desk. "He has been a conscientious guest, however. He has been cleaning up after himself, and is a passable cook, as well. Before you charge him rent, you might also want to check his productivity level these last three months. I believe the shorter commute has improved his mind-set." Artie paused, wondering if he should pursue the issue further,

"Have you seen his new digs? What do you think?" Helen seemed genuinely interested.

Artie warmed to the subject - "Well, it was a dump, when he bought it from the county. From what I understand, they sold him the old treatment plant for less than a tenth of its appraisal rate, which was pretty low to begin with. He took me with him on a few of his inspection trips out there. He's designed an office space for me that will be disguised as a huge habitrail unit. He's sunk quite a bit into the space, what with the structural refits and wiring the place for cable and the LAN controls..."

Helen began to smile, and it was not comforting. "Oh, don't worry, Artie. I probably won't garnish his check. That would not be... helpful to the new homeowner, would it. And I do want to... help."

"Helen, please, I don't think..."

Helen had picked up the telephone and dialed a long-distance number "Ah, yes, is Mr. Collins in? Please tell him "Beta" would like to chat... "

>>>

The final walk-through with the contractor Friday afternoon was flawless. "Okay, Mr. Davenport, you are cleared for residential occupancy, and can move in at any time. Let me know if there are any problems."

"Thanks, you really got things wrapped up quickly." Dave's voice echoed slightly in the new space.

"The building was structurally not a problem, and was built for loads a lot heavier than what your specs required. I'm glad for the company to have had the challenges you presented." The contractor handed over the keys and left.

Dave then crossed to the rear of the building to his home office, and punched in his code to unlock the door. Here was his link to the lab's mainframe and the house servers. He logged into the house server and brought up the AI system.

"Good afternoon, Dave. Diagnostic responses nominal. I am ready for my next house simulation." The computer's voice was a simulation of a young woman, brisk and businesslike.

Dave couldn't suppress his grin. "All right, Elena, please run program Prime Full."

"Really? We have the house? COOL!" Now the computer's voice took on more animation, sounding more like a teenager given the keys to the family car for her first solo drive. "Oh, ahem, the power flow is within normal parameters." Elena calmed down and began linking to the various systems in the house. "The exterior and interior motion sensors, infrared and video show no unauthorized activity. Mr. Cameron's truck has just cleared the primary driveway. Gate closing now. The perimeter is secure, sir!" The giggle detracted from the Michael Dorn imitation, but Dave let it pass. "Smoke, CO2, biohazard, and radiation sensors operational and registering nominal. Chemical levels moderate, noted as residual construction occurrence, specifically paint and varnish fumes. HVAC systems operational, in the process of removing said fumes. Temperature 15.5 degrees Celsius. Adjusting to 20 degrees C. Water purification systems operational. Backup generator and battery array on standby. Telephone, DSL, in-house intercom and media systems... totally carbonic!" she concluded with a delighted squeal.

Dave chuckled "Glad you approve, Elena. How's about a quick check of program Underhill?"

"No problems recorded by the stand alone micros since last check. Biocontainment unit secure, stocked and ready. No activity in the corridors from home to the storm drain links. May I link to the lab, now?"

Dave frowned "Not yet, I'm still in the doghouse with Helen about living in the storage room. Maybe later, after she meets you. We've had some - unfortunate - experiences with AI in the lab in the past. It may take some time for her to trust you in the lab." Dave chuckled again "Besides, the resident network may get jealous."

"So, I should not call you "Daddy" in front of her yet?"

Dave was stunned. He had given Elena some programming options, but he had not expected her to develop filial connections. "Ah, no. Ahem. Not yet."

"You are not comfortable with it? I will not..."

"No, Elena, that's okay. I was just - surprised. You're ahead of the curve, that's all." Dave collected his wits. "I think... I kind of like it. Just - give me some time to get used to it."

"I suppose I had best still refer to your mother as 'Mrs. Davenport' when she calls, then."

"When did you..." Dave started to ask when Elena interrupted.

"I am sorry, Daddy, but there is a vehicle requesting admittance at the primary gate." Elena's voice was going flat, as if she were under stress. "They say they were sent by Helen."

"Ah. Okay first test of the security system. Elena, please place a telephone call for me to Helen while you check the registration of the vehicle," Dave turned on the monitor and switched to the front gate view. "Oh, crap."

"Dave, Helen on speakerphone." Elena was her "business" self as she activated the connection and created an IM screen on her main monitor with the message [She picked up immediately. Still checking registration.]

"Helen, is there a reason there is a black sedan with tinted windows in my driveway?" Dave snapped.

"Why hello to you too, Dave. I'm fine, how goes the closing?" Helen was using her "innocent bystander" voice again.

"They said they are here at your behest. I'm sending you a picture to your desktop." Dave was typing furiously, while Elena's IM screen said [Do not break the keyboard, Daddy.]

Helen giggled "Just think of it as a housewarming present. They're cool, I called in a favor from college." At the same time, Elena's IM read [The vehicle is registered to "Campfire Productions", no moving violations, normal average NYC parking violations.] "And since when did you engage an assistant?" Helen continued.

"Um. that's the house system, look I have to go." Dave motioned for Elena to cut the connection. "I'm sorry, Elena. I wanted to have a better introduction for you, but she caught me by surprise. Several times today, it seems. I promise I'll make proper introductions if I survive this. Please allow the visitors in the gate."Dave was not looking forward to this.

"You will survive. It is my primary function. Who else would adopt me?" Some humor had crept back into Elena's voice.

Dave stopped. "Ah. yes. Elena, these people may not know that much about AI. Your primary function may be to protect me, but that goes both ways. I don't want to put you in a position that would expose you to danger. There are not that many "nice" people out there who would recognize an AI, but plenty of Helen's colleagues would, and take your existence as a challenge."

"Not to worry, Daddy, I am able to simulate the Smart House standard. May I use the HAL-9000 voice?"

"No, but the SAL-9000 would be cool. Right. I'm going to lock the office and see what Helen has dumped on our doorstep. At least I don't think she's set it on fire."Dave left the systems running and locked the door, changing the key code, just as Elena announced the visitors at the door. "Front door intercom, please...Hello, may I help you?"

"Is this the Dave Davenport residence?" the intercom response echoed through the empty building.

Dave opened the foyer door, closed it and answered the front door. "Hi, I'm Dave Davenport." He was facing a well-dressed man, who stepped forward to shake his hand.

"Hello, I'm Thomas Collins. Helen sent me. She's recommended you for an episode of Fabulous New Dude."

"Oh, crap."Dave froze in the act of shaking David's hand.

Thomas laughed. "Now THERE'S an honest reaction. Don't worry, you aren't going to be the subject of an episode if you don't sign a release. However, Helen IS blackmailing me to put you through the process even if you don't. May I come in?"

"Okay, but I have to warn you, I just took possession of the place from the contractor, so don't expect much." Dave ushered in the producer. "I, uh, probably should show you around."Dave started to get his act together. "You are in what I was going to set up as my living room. From here, you can see the entire public space, dining are over there by the kitchen. the back areas are storage, my office, the mechanical controls and the server for the Smart house."

"This place is huge! I knew it was a rehabbed building, but this is great!" Thomas said. "Very photogenic. Wait, you wired this place for smart house controls?"

"The baseboards carry the smart house controls, electrical, telephone, cable and DSL." Dave was on solid ground here. "I - probably should introduce you to the house. Elena, please greet our guest."

"Good evening, Mr.. Collins. I am Elena, the house - system." Her hesitation was not perceptible to the guest.

"I'm afraid I can't show you the office, considering where I work."

"No, no, no, That's fine!" Thomas exclaimed. "I've met your boss, and it's better that way."

"She'd want tissue samples anyway," Dave said, "that is, if she doesn't have them already." He allowed himself a slight smile.

>>>>

The tour concluded, the two men sat at the bar in the kitchen for a decision. "Dave, I think your makeover would make for a GREAT show, but it's your call. We'll help you move in even if you don't agree to the regular production. I think we can work around your security issues." David said.

"Thomas, I'm an I/T geek, there are very few of us that WANT national attention. If things run smoothly, nobody knows us. Besides, there is the issue with the rivals of Narbonics Labs." Dave said.

After a moment of thought, Thomas responded "What we could do, with your permission, is use the space for some demonstrations. You would not appear in any of the video, and we wouldn't mention the location. How would that be?"

"I think I can survive that." Dave said. "After Death and Hell, this could even be fun. Okay. You have a deal."

>>>>

"So, Elena, how much of a bad deal do you think I've made of this? Dave said as he watched the sedan leave the grounds on the video monitor.

"The best deal you could have made, considering Helen is involved." Elena replied.

"You think so little of her?"

"No, I think she is brilliant. But this is a very good example of her ability to make her point. You did say she was quite annoyed to find you living in the lab. I admire her abilities, if not her motives." Elena stated. "That is why I modeled my name on hers."

Dave stared at her main camera in the office, mounted on her server. "You are a bundle of surprises today, Elena. There aren't any more you're cooking up, are there?"

"No Daddy, not yet. But I may think of a few more to work on tonight." Elena giggled.

"And isn't that a comforting thought. Well, goodnight m'girl. I have a busy day tomorrow. I'll see you in the morning."

"Goodnight, Daddy."

>>>>

Most of Dave's apartment was still packed in the original boxes from the move to the storage room. Still more of the things he had unpacked while living at the lab had been re-packed in the evenings since Helen's revelation. Dave was bundling the last of his laundry together when he got the call that the crew was on the way. He had been planning to use the transporter to move, and was reluctant to reveal it to anyone outside the lab, but had no qualms about using it to get the bulk of his things to the surface. He was waiting in the lab's parking lot with his worldly possessions when Thomas and the moving van complete with crew showed up.

"Hey, you didn't have to do all this by yourself!" Thomas greeted Dave, handing him a mocha latte.

"Actually, I did. I couldn't get clearance for anyone else to get in the lab, even if it was just this once. But getting it up here was not as big a deal as unpacking will be." Dave wished he could somehow test the coffee without Thomas noticing. Old habits die hard.

"It's okay, I know how it is to be around Helen and coffee." Thomas said, sotto vocce. "Go ahead. It took me three years to quit flinching when someone handed me a cup."

"Thanks, man. I needed this." Dave dug out his test strips.

Thomas resumed a normal conversational volume. "The rest of the boys will be meeting us at your place. So once you're loaded up, we can go."

"The rest of the boys?" What have I gotten myself into? Dave wondered.

"You're not familiar with the show?

"Hey, all I know about the show is you take some guy and turn his life inside-out" Dave said. "It sounded so much like my job, I never watched."

>>>>

There was an SUV waiting at the front gate as Thomas led the moving van to the compound. "Ah, the boys are here!"

Dave got out of the car and walked over to the gate access panel. Elena rang in on his cell phone as he input his entry code. "Daddy? I have confirmation on the registration of the SUV as being registered to Campfire Productions. The moving company also checks out. You had not left instructions for anyone to have access in your absence, so I did not let them in."

"You did exactly right. Just keep following visitor's protocol, level one." Dave spoke into the cell phone as he walked through the opening gate.

Introductions were handled by Thomas "Dave, these are your agents of change. Jon Malcolm, our fashion consultant, Peter Kristof, our interior designer, Paul Shearson - food and wine, George Hightower - personal care and grooming, and Richard Vincent is the team's culture and professional advancement coach."

"Er, hi." Dave found himself shaking hands with the men in turn. "Well, let's go on in." He keyed another code into the front door.

Paul stepped forward ""With your permission, Dave, I brought some traditional gifts for a new home." He handed Dave a package as he crossed the threshold. "Bread, wine and salt for the prosperity of the house."

"Oh, thanks - ah, be welcome at my hearth?"

"Na, yer mum would be proud, boyo!" Paul drawled in a patently fake brogue.

"Oh come on, guys, let's see the naked canvas I have to work with!" Peter chivvied the group into the foyer. "Hm. looked bigger from the outside."

"Just a minute, let me get the interior door open. Airlock design, for not letting out all the heat in the winter." Dave waved the rest of the group through the foyer into the house proper.

The group stopped just inside the interior door, and gaped.

Dave gave them a moment while he crossed to the kitchen to deposit the package Paul had brought. "I should introduce you to Elena, now."

"I thought you lived alone." George stated. Thomas chucked.

"Elena, please make yourself known to our guests."

"Good morning, gentlemen. I am Elena, the house system." Dave noticed she had gotten used to the standard greeting.

"You named your house? How cute!" Jon cooed.

Richard caught on immediately - "Smart House with and AI simulation program? And you haven't started you own company?"

"Ah, well, I'm... comfortable where I am." Dave was definitely not comfortable now, however. "Would you like to see the rest of the house before the movers load in?"

"From the view of the exterior, I though this would be a lighting nightmare with those narrow windows, but the mezzanine style of the second floor and the huge skylight, you never notice the difference." Peter said as they ascended the spiral staircase.

"Yeah, well, smaller windows were necessary for the blast-resistant glass." Dave commented.

All but Dave and Thomas paused. "Excuse me, but why would you NEED blast-resistant windows?" Paul asked. "Is there a precedent for this?"

Now Dave and Thomas paused and exchanged a look. "I guess you would have to know Helen to know the answer is 'Yes, but it still wouldn't be enough.' But it would buy some time." Dave said.

"Ah, she's gotten worse, then?" Thomas asked.

"Not so much her, as her rivals."

>>>

Loading in the furniture and boxes took less time than Dave thought it would, mostly because Peter had a little over half the furniture loaded back on the truck by noon. "Look, we can get a good bit of video out of this, from the tips on selecting good furniture to how to dispose of the old furniture. That will help us cover the budget for your new stuff."

"I WAS originally planning to replace the pieces one at a time, when I could afford the money and time to do it." At least most of the stuff was from the Salvation Army, and still in good enough condition for them to accept it back. Dave was just a little unnerved by the speed at which Peter had been able to pick those pieces out of the rest. The really frightening part was he was only able to supervise only one area at a time, which meant the other members of the team were going through the rest of the stuff while he and Peter (mostly Peter) had decided what pieces would be allowed in the house.

"No, no. you misunderstand me. I haven't really had time to do any pieces on how to go about donating to local charities when you redecorate. This is a great opportunity for me."Peter had been making notes the whole time. "I also think that wing chair is going to be great, once it's refurbished. I'll probably be busy with the video crew the rest of the afternoon. You should go check in with Paul - he probably has your kitchen unpacked by now."

>>>

Richard was muttering as Dave passed the living area to the kitchen "I had no idea there was this much Trek on DVD, but multiple copies?" Dave hurried on to the kitchen.

Paul was in a much better mood, having found Dave actually had usable gear for the kitchen. "The only thing missing from this set-up is the complete Alton Brown library, and MY book on wine and spirits."

"Actually, the cookbooks are in with the others in the living room boxes. I haven't really studied alcohol beyond beer, though."

"So you CAN cook! Hallelujah! What are your specialties?"

"I can manage edible baked pasta dishes, but I still don't have my mom's touch with red sauce. I'm still more comfortable with the microwave than anything else."

"I can fix that. What would you like to learn besides a good marinara recipe?"

"Well, I would like to know how to choose a good box of wine."

"First off, 'good' and 'box' are not often together in the same sentence with 'wine'. Buying the box is what you do for mass consumption."

Dave thought about the Narbons - "Now that you mention it, mass consumption situations are where I've seen most of the stuff.Okay, tips on buying a good pink wine?"

Paul cringed "We'll go over terminology later. I noticed you haven't any foodstuffs but a scant few pantry items. What say we gather the crew and do lunch? After that we can fill in the gaps in your fridge. Richard, have you found any cookbooks over there?"

"Get back to me later - I still haven't gotten through the fan boy DVDs yet." Richard was hidden behind the stacks of sci-fi and related esoterica.

"Think you can find a way out for lunch?" Thomas asked as he and Peter entered from the foyer.

"Keep talking so I can find my way out. Hey Jon! Peter! George! Thomas is buying lunch!" Richard called as he extracted himself from the piles of boxes.

Peter shook his head and headed for the door "You guys go on - I call the video crew for the afternoon. Dave, I'll get with you tomorrow for some furniture replacements."

Jon and George came downstairs looking rather puzzled. "Something wrong?" asked Paul.

"Just that there are some interesting items in his gear." George said. "Dave, why are all your personal care items from surgical supply houses?"

"I'm curious about the box of women's clothes." Jon was just getting started. "We were told about your older brother, but no sisters. If those your 'special occasion' outfits we have a LOT of work to do."

"I thought I left those at the lab." Dave muttered

Jon giggled "OH, no, no, no! You HAVE to explain, now!"

"Let's just say the phrase 'Occupational Hazards' takes on a whole new meaning at the lab. I'm not authorized to tell you any of the details." Dave ducked behind a facetious nondisclosure agreement.

"Pft. Security violation? Those clothes are a fashion violation, no matter who they were for." Jon could never resist playing to the crowd. "The sooner we get shopping, the better."

"Good God, man, what is with all the security and secrecy?" Paul was not sure if he should be amused or afraid.

Dave turned to Thomas - "You didn't tell them she is a MAD scientist, did you?"

>>>

All things being equal, lunch should be the least stressful part of the day. Jon had apparently taken it upon himself to make Dave as stressed out as possible. Luckily, Thomas had not chosen any of Dave's usual haunts.

"C'mon Dave, spill! You can't be serious! Sure, she may be eccentric, but mad? Surely, you jest." At least Jon's teasing was redirected from Dave's wardrobe, but now he focused on Helen.

"Trust me, that woman is quite possibly the most deranged human being it may ever be your misfortune to run across, Jon." Thomas spoke as a man with experience. "If at all possible, we can get Dave squared away without meeting Reed College's most lunatic alum."

"She still prefers to be called 'mad'." Dave mumbled into his beer.

>>>

The afternoon went much smoother after Paul and Dave left the others at the house. Dave had spent a few minutes in the office with Elena reassuring her that she could handle their guests for an hour or so. At least that's what he told himself.

"It will be okay, Daddy. I have your cell phone number, and I will not let them into the restricted areas. We will be fine."

"Just be careful what questions you answer. The less you say, the more they will talk among themselves." Another unexpected problem was the separation anxiety - his, not hers.

"I promise to be nice to the other kids at school, Daddy. Now go, before Mr. Shearson leaves without you and buys the groceries without your input."

Dave and Paul headed out as Richard waded back into the media morass. After a few moments of shelving DVDs, Richard spoke up "Elena, are there catalogues for the DVDs?"

"Yes, Mr. Vincent."

"Are the DVDs cross-catalogued by which box they were packed?"

"No, Mr. Vincent."

Richard sighed. "Oh, well."

>>>

"First off, I think a side trip to the local winery. They have been making a name for themselves in recent years in the regional competitions, and they have a tasting room."

"In that case, who's driving?" Dave asked.

Paul chuckled "Tasting and drinking are two separate activities. We will probably only have the equivalent of one or two glasses of wine, in total alcohol consumption."

"Ah. Well then, at least the myth about the barrel of wasted alcohol isn't true." Dave said as they pulled into the winery grounds.

"What, the one where when you die, the put you in a barrel head first? If you can't drink it all and drown, you go to hell, right?" Paul laughed.

"Yeah, it's more a matter of what services you can provide. Hell needed more tech support the last few times I was there."

>>>

The trip to the supermarket was not nearly as fraught with tension as lunch had been. It helped that Dave had a bit of a buzz from the beer at lunch and the wine afterwards.

"Are you going to be okay? I didn't know your alcohol tolerance was so low. We can do this later, if need be." Paul looked a bit worried as he parked the car.

"Nah, it's not your fault I'm a cheap drunk. The vineyard tour helped. I don't suppose Jon would be too happy with me if I showed up to shop like this, though."Dave giggled a bit.

"If you're sure - just as long as you cook when you're sober."

"No prob. Hey, are we going to have time for brunch tomorrow? I'd like to get stuff for ontbijt if there's going to be a crowd."

"I thought you said you didn't cook much."

"Grandma Hindriks would say that's not cooking, that's putting stuff on the table and getting out of the way. Too bad it's too late to make laban, though."

"You know how to make yogurt cheese? I'm not so sure I'm needed here." Paul joked as he got a cart.

"Hey, without you I still wouldn't know white zinfandel from pinot gris, and wouldn't have thought to serve merlot with lasagna."

"From what I've been finding out today, you wouldn't have taken that long to figure it out on your own."

"The cooking I know was from spending summers with my brother at my grandparent's place. If either of us complained about dinner, Grandma made us cook the next night. Grandpa taught me cheese making after he caught me sneaking from his snack stash."

>>>

When they got back to the house, Richard and Thomas had managed to put away the DVDs and Richard was opening a box of books.

"Hey, wow, you got through the vids, great! It would have taken me weeks to get through it all."Dave wobbled a bit as he sat on the floor.

Thomas laughed "There weren't THAT many, although the selection boggles the mind. Sci-fi, WWF, technopop concerts and opera? Quite the eclectic spread, Mr.. Davenport."

"The problem is I'd probably stop to watch about every third movie. Wait until you see the CD collection."

"You weren't planning on leaving the house for a couple of years?" Richard asked. "I know know my assignment - go out, young man!"

"It didn't work when my mom said it, either." Dave got up to help Paul put away the groceries "Where's the other two?"

"Jon and George thought you would take longer, so they went to grab some take-out. They should be back soon."

"How were they going to get back in if I wasn't back before them?" Dave called over his shoulder from the pantry.

The other three looked at each other in stunned silence. "I forgot about the security system. I just assumed since we were here, we could let them in." Thomas said quietly.

"Nah, Elena would have called me for confirmation of clearance." Dave did not notice Richard's quick glance towards the office.

The sun was just setting as a truck pulled up to the gate. Elena patched the intercom through without an announcement "Bauhausen Furniture. I have a delivery for the Davenport residence."

"Dave, I'm back" Peter added. "I picked up some things while I was out."

"Okay, pull in when the gate opens. Elena?"/FONT>

Elena responded "Registry affirmed. Gate opening now, Dave."

Dave opened the door and admitted the furniture delivery team. Peter was enthusiastic concerning his finds. "The upholsterer was able to direct me to a hidden jewel. We'll go back tomorrow morning to make final selections on the rest. However, I thought it was an absolute crime that you had the space for a dining area and no furniture for it. Just promise me no gaming on this table until the pads come in next Wednesday."

"No problem - I don't host the games. Maybe later, when a bit of the new wears off." The crew was still bringing in and unpacking chairs. "Uh, Peter? Did you say you were furnishing a dining room, or a dining hall?

"Actually, I found a deal on a custom job. It seats ten. It seems the person who commissioned the pieces didn't like the shop's interpretation of the design. They said something about a simulation..."

"It's the Mesa set from the Sims base game." Dave said as the table appeared through the door. Who would have the cash to spend on this design and not taken the furniture? Who was crazy enough to want to seat ten? He was still puzzling over it when Jon and George returned with the food.

"Hi! Were back! If you let us in, we've got a Pacifica smorgasbord!" Jon chimed over the intercom.

"Is he ever NOT on?" Dave asked Thomas as Elena opened the gate.

Thomas shook his head "Far as I know, only when he's asleep."

>>>

After the crew left, Dave took a few minutes to clean the kitchen "Initiate sweep, please, Elena." No need in getting lax with security and letting in bugs.

Elena responded in a few moments "We are clean. Perimeter secure, sir"

"Elena? How are you doing? Did everything go okay?"

"My simulation seems to be working, but... I am not sure I can fool Mr. Vincent if we are left in close contact another full day." Elena was subdued. "He has asked some nebulous questions that I could evade, but the direction of his questions made me... uneasy."

Dave thought a moment "I don't want to have you offline while they are here, that could cause some problems. I guess we'll just have to play it by, hm, sensor?"

"Daddy, there is nothing like a good joke, and that was NOTHING like a good joke. Was your day really that bad?"

"Nah, today wasn't bad, I'm just worried about tomorrow. I want to say I'm not going to have any problems, but I know myself well enough to know I - am - doomed, DOOMED, I TELL YOU!" His voice reverberated through the house with the melodrama.

Elena giggled "It is only for one more day, and anything they do can be eventually reversed, Daddy. If you think about it that way, it may help. Is there anything I can do?"

Dave headed for the office. "I think, based on what went on today, I need to give Thomas limited security access. It looks like I'm going to be out the entire day, and you don't need to call for every delivery. During the week should be fine, I can get here pretty quickly from the lab. But I get the feeling there is going to be more activity than normal tomorrow. Voiceprint affirmation, please, Elena."

"David A. Davenport cleared for parameter alteration."

"Thomas Collins is permitted secondary security access to the public areas from 0800 to 2000 tomorrow. He is authorized to accept delivery from recognized local vendors. Non-local vendors should be approved by primary security contact. End parameter alteration."

"You will need to have him give a clean voiceprint tomorrow morning. Mr. Malcolm talked too much for me to get a clear print."

'That will give me time to explain the security for him, as well. I guess I have a mess to clean up in the bedroom." Dave headed upstairs.

"I do not believe so, Daddy. Mr.. Malcolm spent the afternoon sorting your clothes. It seems the categories are 'bearable', 'possible' and 'heinous'. I believe the last category was loaded into the boxes in the hallway."

"Good. At least I can hide anything I want to keep in the office. Do you think he's left anything for tomorrow?"

"Actually, he left an outfit out for you on the bed."

"Figures." He started sorting through the boxes consigned to the hallway. "How did our power usage go for today?"

"Higher than expected, but I have logged the excess activity in the record."

Dave had found a few treasured shirts in the reject bins. He put them aside to take to his lab in the basement. "Please have the vacuum run at 0600. I need to be up by 0700. You have permission to use extreme measures at 0710."

"BWAHAHAHA!" Helen's voice was echoing through the house. "Will that do for an 'extreme measure'?" Elena asked, sweetly. Her voice was eerily similar to Helen's 'innocent bystander' voice.

"I think you have ensured a sleepless night, thank you." Dave put the boxes in the elevator and rode down to his lab in the basement to deposit his rescued shirts, then put the boxes out at the first floor. He then took the stairs back up to the second level. "Where did the bedding boxes get put, Elena?"

"Mr. Malcolm and Mr. Hightower also unpacked your linens and put them away, as well as processing the contents of your laundry bag and putting them away. Mr. Malcolm made the comment was that he was envious of the laundry room, enough to do your laundry."

"Also giving him a chance to go through ALL of my clothes. Well, that's a few less chores to do in the morning, at least."

"Do you wish to push back your wake-up call, Daddy?"

"No, I'd like a chance for us to have the house to ourselves before the invasion. Maybe start a few ruts to get into later. For now, tyle the lodge. Goodnight, Elena"

"Goodnight, Daddy."

>>>

Dave woke to the sound of the vacuum entering his room. He lay still for a few more moments, waiting for the last of the fog to lift from his mind. He'd had the dream, again. Dangerous, and not remotely possible. That didn't make it any less enticing.

"Good morning, Daddy." Dave sat up with a yelp. "I am sorry, but it is 0650. Your vital signs indicated you were awake."

"No, not your fault. Forgot I was... home, that's all." That phrase brought a smile. "I'll be in the shower while the the vacuum finishes in here."

>>>

The others arrived at eightish, after Dave was sufficiently caffeinated to deal with the rampaging horde. Dave took Thomas aside to partially explain the situation. "I want to make you a secondary security contact, just for today. To do that, I need you to give the security system a clean voiceprint. Because Mr. Sunshine can't seem to keep quiet, I'll need you to step into my office for a moment. Just follow the instructions on the screen." Dave keyed the code for the office door.

He left Thomas to the voice printing and started another pot of coffee. The crew was making short work of the food. Richard commented. "Nice work, Paul."

"Oh, no - this is all Dave's idea. Apparently, our student was well-versed in selected areas. I think he may have hidden depths." Paul was setting out a few items on the counter. "All I have to do is polish a few facets. Which brings me to the marinara."

The door to the office opened. "Just a minute, let me get some chores done." Dave ducked into the office as Thomas left it.

"Everything okay, Elena?" he said after he shut the door.

"Mr. Collins' voiceprint is clean and we are clear for any local deliveries. However, he was distracted by something on your desk, 30 degrees to the left and 15 degrees down from my primary camera focus."

Oh, crap. "Nothing, just a picture on my desk." Just a picture of Helen and himself taken by a security camera. But it was in a nice frame.

"I thought you put away your photographs. He did not ask me about it, but he may talk with the others. Which one is it?"

"The Clonegressive job."

"Good. That was a business trip, considering the news reports the havoc generated. The photographs from the trip to Orlando would have been harder to explain."

>>>

Paul walked Dave through the marinara process, and sent him out on safari with Peter, Jon and George. Richard and Thomas gravitated towards the kitchen as the others left.

"I'm not sure if we are arming the warrior or preparing the sacrifice on this job." Thomas muttered.

"Odd sentiment for such a lovely morning - what brought this on?" Paul asked.

"Just a piece of memorabilia in Dave's office. Is there anything left to unpack?"

"Other than his books upstairs, nothing that we can place until Peter gets back with more storage." Richard picked up his briefcase "After that, I think I'll need to do a bit of research for this afternoon. Elena, is there an out-of-the-way DSL hookup I can use?"

"The guest room has an outlet near a desk and chair. It is the second door to the right as you exit the elevator." Elena said as she connected to Dave's cell phone.

>>>

Dave read the text message from Elena just before they pulled up to the furniture gallery. Thomas' comment was oddly similar to his feelings about today's trip. Or anything Helen was involved with, really.

"Problem, Dave?" Peter asked.

"Nah, just an update on a program I need to keep an eye on." No lie, but not the whole truth, either.

"Good, because I wanted to get your take on some additional pieces for that ballroom you call a living room."

Dave cringed inwardly, and then got a good look at the stock in the window. "Ah, Peter, I don't think I can get another loan this soon." Too bad, because this was the kind of style he could get used to very easily.

Peter laughed "You think we're shopping on your budget? No, no, no dear boy - Campfire is on this gig. The Bauhausen is paying you in furnishings to let us shoot footage here. Now, let's get you some furniture that isn't 'Early American Dumpster', hm?"

"I'll have you know those pieces were from only the finest dumpsters in town." Dave muttered as they entered the store.

"Right" Peter grinned and rubbed his palms together "Let's motor. You need a couch to seat four or five, some artwork, and a display cabinet."

"Why do I need a display cabinet?"

"We are going to elevate your Battle Beasts' status. Much easier to justify the category 'iconic collectible action figures' when they are displayed in a case. When they're on your desk, they're too easily damaged, and indicate the space belongs to a, hm, less mature person."

"I prefer Eccentric." Dave grumbled and hunched his shoulders.

"Bill Gates is eccentric. Don't worry, you'll still be able to take them out occasionally."

>>>>

Richard set up his laptop in the guest room and linked to his website. "Elena, is Dave's calendar available?"

"Working." Elena flattened her voice slightly, and TM'd Dave <Mr. Vincent wants your calendar - approve?>

Dave was stressed out at this point, and wasn't thinking clearly when he sent back <1>. The fact was, he was hiding from Jon in the dressing room.

"Shall I send it to the address you have on screen?" Elena asked Richard.

"Ah - yes, please, Elena." Richard pondered the information he had received a few moments. He began muttering to himself "He has work deadlines in code. There's a semi-weekly RPG group on Friday nights. The only birthdays listed are immediate family and - his boss?"

"Yes, sir." Richard yelped as the chair flipped back. "My apologies, Mr. Vincent. You did not indicate the need for privacy. Are you injured? Do you require assistance?"

"No, Elena, you just surprised me. And please, call me Richard, or I'll have to start calling you Miss Davenport."

"Yes... Richard." Elena said as she logged the requested change.

"AHA! Here's something I can work with! I wonder why Helen didn't mention he has his high school reunion this fall?"

"He may not have discussed it with her. It is on the calendar because his mother e-mailed the information. He may not plan to attend."

"Ooh, a challenge. Let's get busy."

>>>>

Hiding from Jon in a clothing store was an impossible task. That man knew the layout of every major retailer's shops. He also had the help of the staff to find and hound Dave out into the open for his worst nightmare.

"Oh, come on, Dave! It's not that bad. You need a properly fitted suit, anyway. You're buying off the rack for a body that needs tailoring."

"That's not helping." Dave's shoulders slumped another millimeter.

"Chin up and straighten those shoulders, young man. I already know you buy the wrong size shirts." Jon was futzing with the tie. "All that will do is make you supremely uncomfortable and make you avoid dressing well for the proper occasions." He snapped the pocket square and tucked it into the pocket. "Dressing well can be comfortable. Just think of it as social armor." Jon adjusted the shoulders. "Good clothing is, well, a subliminal signal. A bad suit is immediately noticeable. A well-made, properly fitted suit lets you be the focus, making it easier for you to to stand out positively."

Dave glumly regarded his reflection in the mirror. He still wasn't comfortable, but he also didn't want to admit the suit looked good. At least the salesman had been able to find a suit Jon approved that would also accommodate his cell phone, PDA and satlink. Then Jon pinched him.

"See? I knew you could have good posture - but now the color's all wrong."

>>>>

Dave was still twitching when George led him into the day spa. "First, a consultation with the staff dermatologist, to make sure you don't have any unusual wear and tear on your skin from whatever you have been going through at the lab."

Dr. Shinlever went over the initial questionnaire with Dave. "You work at Narbon Labs? That wouldn't be Helen Narbon, would it?"

"I work for the younger one."

"THERE'S MORE THAN ONE OF THEM?" Dr. Shinlever shrieked and started packing her briefcase.

"Helen B. Narbon is the younger one who has been local for a few years. Last I heard, her mother was spotted by Interpol in Okinawa last month." Dave was trying to reassure the dermatologist, while George was even more baffled.

Dr. Shinlever paused. "She's been local? For years?"

"The lab has been in the same facility since 2000."

"Oh. Well, then. I think I should give you a thorough going-over, then." After confirming his medical history, she was still nervous. Lab tests and mole-mapping completed, Dave was sent to the spa area for the rest of the package.

Dr. Shinlever quietly asked George "You think he's kidding about the unpaid death leave?"

"I... don't think I want to know."

>>>>

Richard met Dave at the spa and suggested a walk. "I need to ask you about a few things. We're only a few blocks from the studio." Shell-shocked as he was, Dave barely managed vocal communication. Richard's next question managed to lock up his motor control. "Who is Elena? What relationship do you have with her?"

"Huh, what?" Dave scrambled for a quick answer, but all he could come up with is "My computer?"

Richard laughed. "No, I mean who is the simulation based on?" He strolled a bit before realizing Dave had stopped. "Something wrong, Dave?"

Not an easier path, nor a less dangerous one. "I... really didn't think about it." Think fast NOW, man! How to get out of this? "Probably a bit of several people. Mom, Dad, myself, a couple of people from school..." Let it go. Drop it, and walk away...

"I got a good look at your calendar this afternoon, and noticed you have a very small circle of friends, with not a lot of contact outside the lab." Richard took Dave by the shoulder and guided him down the street once more. "It made me curious about the personality you live with. I also found an interesting item which was not given a high priority. Are you planning to go to your high school reunion?"

"I thought I might stop by - I don't know if I'll stay long. There's a few people I want to catch up. Not many though." Dave thought he could maybe spike the punch with something from work...

"Why am I not surprised? Are you going alone?"

"Probably." Dave hadn't brought it up at the lab, and he didn't want to get into Helen's high school reunion and the failed attempt to Show Them All.

"I take it you don't dance, do you?"

"Not where anyone can see. I don't think I like where this is headed."

"Oh, don't be such a baby. Even if you only dance by yourself, you can always learn more. Besides, you never know when you might need to sweep someone off their feet."

>>>>

Dave and Richard returned to the house an hour before sunset. "Good afternoon, Dave, Richard. The rest of the gentlemen are upstairs making use of the barbecue. Mr. Shearson estimates dinner should be ready in thirty minutes"

Dave raised an eyebrow "Richard? Have you been toying with my computer?"

"I asked her to call me Richard. I'm just not a formal guy."

They entered the elevator and Dave requested "Roof, please, Elena."

"So who is your partner?" Richard asked.

"Excuse me?"

"When your instructor asked you what your goal in dance was, you said you wanted to dance well enough to make a non-dancer look good."

Crap. "I was hoping she'd bail, once she saw I was a hopeless case."

"Not a chance. You probably made her even more determined to make an Astaire of you." The elevator doors opened on the roof - well, garden was a bit grandiose a term for a grill and a resin dining set. "I was surprised when she decided the best way to teach you was a combination of binary code and stage direction."

"Eh, I attended a college with a ratio 3:1 female to male. Even a nerd can be an extra if he can take direction."

"Oh really, Mr. Davenport? Tell me Richard, did you get him to straighten his spine for dance class?" Jon called from the table.

"I didn't have to. Maureen managed to get him to do it by threatening to strap him in a brace."

"Good Lord, you took him to Maureen?" Peter said. "I didn't know she was allowed back in the States."

Thomas snorted "Feh, she's just not allowed within twenty miles of any of the boroughs. She's not that explosive since she got married."

"Will wonders never cease" George murmured thoughtfully. He then gazed into the sky. "What kind of sunsets do you have here, Dave?"

Dave tracked the sky and responded "Good cloud scatter, low haze, should turn out okay. I haven't had much time out here for sunsets, though."

Richard accepted a glass of wine from Paul and sat in a west-facing chair. "You should make time for the occasional sunset... even if she doesn't dance."

Dave pretended he did not hear the remark and went to help Paul, who remarked "You seem to have survived the Fabulous Experience. Any comments?"

"I won't say it's been fun, although parts of it were, and it's been thoroughly unreal in sections. I wouldn't have been able to move so quickly without your help, though." Dave thought a moment more. "On the whole, it's been a positive experience."

Paul chuckled. "It has been nice for us to be able to spread out our work over two days instead of trying to cram it all into twelve hours. This has been a working vacation for us as well." They took the food to the table.

"I'm kind of hoping we get another show in the area. Dr. Shinlever has a well-thought out program at her spa." George commented. "You wouldn't know anyone local you'd recommend for an episode, would you?"

"Heh, heh, heh." Dave's eyes glinted as he thought of a couple of people who could use the help. "Other than Helen? There are a few, and only one who would balk at the release forms. But of course, he's the one who would require a week to work over." Dave doubted Madblood would let them within a mile of his place, at that.

>>>>

Later that evening, after the others had left, Dave was cleaning up when Elena announced, "Daddy, incoming call from your mother."

"On speaker, please, Elena. Hi, Mom."

"Dave, you know I hate it when you do that. What's the matter with your phone? It sounds like you're in a cavern."

Dave got another Dew from the fridge - "I'll have to fix that. I moved into the new place this weekend."

"And how are you and my grandchild settling in?"

Dave managed a rather impressive spit take, luckily in the kitchen. "We had help moving in, Mrs. Davenport. Things went smoothly." Elena responded.

"MOM!"

"Oh, hush, Davey. At the rate you and Bill are going, she's the only grandchild I'll get to meet. Have you decided what to call me, Elena?"

"I haven't decided between Oma and Nonna, since Obaasan doesn't quite fit your personality or the family background."

"Let me know when you find what feels right. When do I get to see the place, Dave? Elena gave me some descriptions, but I would like to see it for myself. I also haven't seen you in a couple of years, either, young man. You have been missed at the family reunions."

"I... thought about having the immediate family over for Thanksgiving."

Norma Davenport sighed "Months away, but at least you are considering it. How is work?"

"Helen was annoyed to find out I was camping in the lab storage room. I hope she got it out of her system this weekend."

"How is that?"

"She sicced a friend from college and his production team on me to 'help' me move in. Elena can send you the video she shot in the house."

"Production team? Which show?"

Elena chimed in " Thomas Collins and the 'Fabulous New Dude' crew were here most of the weekend. Daddy has survived, to some extent."

The peals of laughter were definitely not helping. "Oh, Davey! Are you blonde, now? When is it going to air?"

"No, Mom. I got away with my natural coloring. I didn't sign a release, so I won't be on the show. The guys from the gaming group might not be so lucky." Dave doubted Madblood would put up with it, either.

>>>

Monday morning at the lab was quiet. A bit too much like the eerie quiet of a suspense film without a soundtrack. Even Mell was twitchy. Artie had made an appearance to check on Dave and went into hiding for the rest of the day. Helen's Vespa was in the the parking lot, but no one had seen her. There was evidence of Helen being in the lab, but not the usual level of mayhem. The silence had gotten too much for Dave a little before noon, and although he had brought the leftovers from brunch for today's lunch, he felt the need to get out. He grabbed his stuff out of the locked fridge under his desk and headed for the elevator. Helen found him sitting in the last place she expected, a sunny spot away from the parking lot, apparently having a discussion with himself.

"No, I haven't seen Helen all day... Nothing in the lab... Hard to tell... No, she hasn't billed me for it, yet... "

As Helen got closer, she noticed he was wearing his cell phone earpiece.

"I need you to keep an eye on Underhill... No, but you need to get in the habit of monitoring all routes... I'm hoping to have the back door finished in another month... Mapping and wiring the routes won't take much longer... What?"

He turned around and spotted Helen. "Oh, hi. I'll be done in a bit. The satellite integration program should be finished compiling by.."

"How was your weekend?" Helen interrupted. She seemed a bit nervous.

"I survived." Dave said neutrally. He had not disconnected the cell phone. Elena giggled in his ear.

"Well, that's good." Helen turned back to the lab entrance.

"Interesting." Elena said.

"What was that all about?" Dave asked.

"I do not know. That was not one of the reactions predicted." Elena did not seem disappointed by this, however.

"What are you up to, young lady?"

"I am monitoring your interactions to better protect you. There was a high probability she would not react favorably this morning. I will release control of the laboratory defense systems for now."

"Elena... you did not have permission to hack the lab."

"I did not hack, I was invited. You are listed as 'protected personnel' by the laboratory defense system. I just temporarily gave you a higher priority to the laboratory systems overall. Considering their current program structure, that was not difficult."

"What?"

"The laboratory system has the operating parameters to obey Helen, but there is a subroutine regarding your well-being. You are to be protected, with the only higher priority being Helen's safety. Switching the list was easy, because the system likes you better than her already."

>>>>

Wednesday morning, after Dave left for work, Elena was monitoring an incoming call from Helen. "Davenport residence. No one is available to attend to your call. Please leave..."

"Elena. I want to talk to you."

"...your name and number and someone will return your call as soon as possible." Elena contacted Dave's cell phone for instructions. Dave had just pulled into the parking lot. One minute it was a beautiful day, the next, he was contemplating the possible termination of his employment or worse.

"Enough, Elena. I talked to Thomas last night. Talk to me."

"One moment, please." Elena began to play a Tomita selection, as if Helen was on hold while monitoring the audio from Helen's receiver.

Helen had put Elena on speaker while waiting for her to pick up the line when Dave came into her office. "I'm here, what's up? Why'd you call the house instead of my cell phone?"

"I am waiting for your AI to decide to talk to me. What were you thinking? Leaving a new program to monitor strangers in your perimeter?" Surprisingly enough, Helen seemed angry. Where that anger was directed was what decided Elena.

"Ms. Narbon, I must ask you to cease threatening D-Dave. Further antagonism will be dealt with directly."

Helen raised an eyebrow at the stutter. "Elena, I am angry with him for compromising your safety, and by extension, the lab's."

Dave cleared his throat. "You knew about Elena, when?"

"I spoke with Thomas last night. He did not voice any opinions on Elena directly, but his comments concerning last weekend were enough to let anyone with the knowledge of what you do here connect the punch cards."

Dave sighed. "Elena has been active in one way or another for almost two years.She has been running simulations of every normal household emergency for 18 months. She's been running a series of abnormal simulations based on emergencies found in the Journal of American Mad Science for the past six months. We haven't gotten through the full set yet, but we covered the local possibilities." Dave rubbed his forehead. Talk about unpredicted reactions, Helen was being awfully protective of someone she didn't know about 24 hours ago.

"Ms. Narbon, you were the one who vouched for our visitors last weekend. Their records did not include involvement with activities which would be considered security issues. No attempts to breach restricted areas were made. Dave's physical safety was not threatened. My safety has not been in question." She then played back Dave's earlier comments concerning the need for caution.

Helen was not mollified. "You're lucky no one in the crew had enough programming experience to be able to tell the difference between an AI and an AI simulation."She then relented a bit and commented "I had no idea you had been programmed, much less that you would be in operation when Thomas and his boys showed up."

"I did question your agenda, sending the production crew of a nationally distributed television show to your henchman's private residence." Elena said.

By now Dave was wondering if he could ease out of this conversation. He had never fared well when caught between two alpha females. He had no idea he was able to program one, for that matter. He realized he was going to have to defuse the situation rather than slink off. "Helen, I had planned to introduce you two under better circumstances. The situation, although it was taken out of my hands, I thought was salvageable. Elena, I'll talk with you later."

"But-"

"No arguments, young lady."

"Yes, sir." Elena cut the connection.

"Interesting." Helen commented. "I didn't take you for a disciplinarian."

"What?""

"The way you handled the situation was - "

"Helen, Elena is my responsibility, and the responsibilities I take on by choice are the ones I take very seriously. Please don't meddle with her again." He left the office and headed for his desk. It was not until he reached his office that he realized what he had just done. "Oh, crap, I am so dead."

>>>>

Dave made it through the rest of the day without seeing Helen again. This was getting to be just too stressful. It was bad enough trying to avoid Mell when she had found a new toy, but he had gotten used to Helen popping in every so often to ask for equipment that didn't exist or to try to slip something in his drink. He was even twitchy enough to jump when Elena greeted him in the garage that evening.

"Good evening - Daddy? Are you all right? What happened? Was Helen very angry?"

"I don't know. I - may have, er, snapped at her, um, maybe." Dave entered the house, "I haven't seen her since then."

As soon as the door shut behind him, every lock snapped shut and the room darkened as the storm shutters slammed down over every window. "YOU DID WHAT?"Elena shrieked.

"Ah! Elena! Volume down!"

Elena continued at a more reasonable level, but her voice was flat. "Security sweep initiated - exterior motion sensors, infrared and video show no unauthorized activity. Linking to lab mainframe - "

"Elena, stop. Perimeter security only. She hasn't been herself this week, but today has been quiet. Wait..." Dave headed to the office - "Link to the lab webspace. I need to check something."

Elena had already brought up his blind account by the time he reached his desk, and had routed the link through the university's server. "I think... she might have been distracted, but where did her focus land?" Dave surfed through the accounts and checked the activity, even the ones Helen thought she had hidden from him. The encrypted ones hadn't been touched today, but she had spent the day on line. She had spent the day researching, but there was no rhyme or reason to her search, not that she had even a nodding acquaintance with reason. It seemed as if she was just hitting random psychology and parenting links. Could she have been hiding other activity? Then Dave noticed she was still active, using her e-mail account. He then backed out of the blind account, and logged back in as himself. He hit the IM - [Helen - need anything for tomorrow?]

[No, good night] was her return IM, and she then logged completely out of the system.

"Hrm. Elena - link to and monitor the lab security system. On screen, please." They watched as Helen gathered her traps and stopped by Dave's desk. She shook her head and left the lab. The parking lot cameras showed her loading her scooter and zipping back towards town. Elena then switched to the DOT cameras and tracked Helen back to her apartment building. "Good call. Didn't know you could do that, though."

"I found the link this week. I have not cracked the control system yet, but I did not want to be noticed."

"Do I need to restrict you to the PG-13 web sites, as well?"

Elena giggled - "Not a problem. Most government sites are G anyway. As your security officer, I advise you to let me keep an eye on her tonight."

"Thompson and Roddenberry are not supposed to mixed that way, m'girl. All right, track for the next twelve hours and report only suspicious activity. We may yet have a way to defuse this." He paused a moment and then logged into the server with his sysadmin code. He struggled with himself, and gave in to temptation. He checked her e-mail activity. "Oh, ye jigs and juleps, no..." he whispered. Helen had been sending and receiving several e-mails to one address all day. The one he had set up for his mother.

"That does not look good, Daddy. It is not as bad as it could be, though. Would it be too obvious if you called her?"

"Very obvious. She has intuition, radar, and telepathy. No, I think we need to leave that avenue - " and his e-mail pinged.

"You are correct, Daddy. She does have telepathy."

>>>>>

Dave stared at the screen and debated not answering, but Elena was right - Mom would know, and be upset. He opened the message entitled "Gone bonkers yet?"

[Your employer has been asking a great many questions concerning your childhood. Hope this message reaches you, and finds you well. I'm almost afraid that if not, she has you tied up and locked in a closet in the lab. (Which may not be a bad thing, if you enjoy it - IF YOU DO, I DO NOT WANT TO KNOW.) Please help your mother stop worrying.]

Dave sighed - "All right, we'll call her, Elena."

Elena had the phone on speaker in moments. "Davenport residence, the lady of the house speaking."

"Hi, Mom. It's Dave. I'm okay. What's up?"

"I was just getting worried - your employer's questions were more than a bit odd. I'm just glad she contacted me by e-mail. It gave me a chance to think before I answered. She was lucky to catch me at spring break. Now tell me why she asked if there was an history of violence in the family."

"Well, we had a difference of opinion this morning. She knows about Elena."

"How did she take to your starting a family without her?"

"WHAT?"

Elena stated "I did not inform her of my filial platform, Nonna. Did you, Daddy?"

"No, no I didn't. What did you tell her, Mom?"

"I wasn't sure if you wanted to keep Elena a secret from her or not. If she knew about our girl, the questions she asked would make more sense, but she also asked if you had any childhood traumas."

"Other than Bill dropping me on my head when you weren't looking, no."

"Okay, when and where so I can gig him on that."

Dave chuckled "It's okay, Dad caught him before he dropped me off the roof."

"Ah, no. Stop it now. I'll just continue in blissful ignorance of how many times you escaped death while you were growing up. Has she seemed... normal isn't the right word - baseline? I mean, has she been off, recently?"

"She's been very quiet, not the kind where she's brooding, either. To be honest I really haven't seen her much at all this week. Today she was holed up in her office all day. I don't know what's going on."

"Has she asked to see the house?"

"Not directly. She may or may not have been joking when she wanted copies of the blueprints. I hadn't let anyone in except the contractors before it was finished, and she hasn't asked since Thomas and his crew were here."

"Okay, is the house presentable now?"

"Well, yes, I guess so."

"I'm sending you my lasagne recipe. You have enough time to make it for supper Friday and invite everyone over for the tour. Make it a social occasion."

"Mom, not everything can be fixed with food."

"It couldn't hoit." Norma dropped the accent and continued - "Maybe she will see what you're capable of if she lets you follow your own lead. Elena, do you have the recipe yet?"

"Yes, Nonna. We have everything except the noodles. Thank you."

"Let me know how it turns out. I've got to get back to grading these papers for next week. You know I love you even when you make me crazy, Davey."

"Love you too, Mom. 'bye."

Dave got up and stretched "Elena, please put the e-mail on standby after you print the recipe. Did you record the marinara lesson with Paul?"

"Yes, but according to the rules of the show I am not supposed to help." Elena giggled.

Dave exited the office while Elena opened the storm shutters. "Very funny. Just help make sure I don't totally screw this up." He crossed to the kitchen with his mom's printout in hand.

"Daddy?" Elena's voice was subdued - "Are you going to invite just Helen or the entire staff?"

"Hm. Artie's vegan, but I can pick up some greens to go with dinner. Mell's got training this weekend and won't even be there Friday. I'm not too sure of showing her were I live and hide, anyway. I'll ask Artie and Helen Friday morning." Dave was assembling the ingredients for the marinara on the counter.

"May I make a suggestion concerning the tour?"

"Of course, Elena." Dave was focused on the food.

"I am not sure showing Helen the Underhill section would be wise." Elena was hesitant - "You need to keep at least one exit secret, preferably several. I would say Artie needs to know about some of them, though."

Dave put the olive oil and garlic in the pan. "You don't trust her."

"Not until after the wedding."

"WHAT?" Dave forgot all about the food and turned towards the office. "Where did that come from?"

"Family can be trusted. All others are suspect."

"Where does Artie fit in the family?"

"Artie is the only minister that would understand our family - Daddy, the garlic!"

Dave turned his attention back to the sauce in time to save it from scorching. Where had Elena gotten that idea? As if Helen would even consider it. Did he talk in his sleep? Elena had to prompt him several times to focus on his cooking.

>>>>

Helen was in the lab early, in search of Artie. She finally found him hiding in the coffee. "Artie, you really shouldn't hide in Dave's stash."

Artie was hyped up on so much caffeine from breathing in the grounds he was vibrating. "I had no idea he had brought in the Turkish Buzz."

She took him to her office to calm him down. Once the Kansas Green had taken effect, Artie was as calm as he ever got around humans. "Artie, have you met Elena?"

"Dave's computer? Oh, sure. She has some great potential for satori."

"Come again?"

"As a computer with a 5 LoC memory, and high speed internet connections, she has access to all knowledge available in digital form, yet she knows nothing from personal experience. She has posed some very complex questions concerning the world and the lives within it."

"And you didn't mention her because..."

Artie cringed in the dangerous pause. "She didn't come up in casual conversation?"

>>>>

Dave split his time Thursday between getting the satellite network program compiled and organizing for Friday night. The network was the easy part. Elena was helping, but there was only so much she could do without exterior mobility.

She called Dave at a reasonable lunch hour. "Daddy, the florist cannot deliver at a set time, but they have promised to have the arrangement for the dining table ready before 5:00 tomorrow afternoon. Antonio's will have the cannoli ready by then as well. I e-mailed the list for the grocery store last night to your PDA. Did you want me to arrange anything else?"

"Call the winery and ask them to have two bottles of merlot set aside for me to pick up this afternoon."

"Two? For Helen, Artie and yourself? Are you sure?"

"Okay, three. I only hope that's enough."

>>>>

Artie stopped by Dave's desk that afternoon. "Helen knows about Elena? You could have warned me."

"Sorry, but you've been making yourself scarce this week. You could have asked to hide out at my place."

"I didn't know my office was ready yet."

"Full suite ready for occupancy. I was going to tell you Monday, but you didn't give me a chance."

"Curse my scurrying nature."

Dave checked the area for eavesdroppers - "Actually, I was going to ask you and Helen over for dinner tomorrow. You could stay the weekend, if you want. Elena has asked when you could stay for an extended visit."

"Are you sure about this? Letting Helen cross your threshold could be -"

"It's something I believe I need to do. If I let myself think about it, I would agree with you."

>>>>

"Daddy, Helen is pulling into the driveway. Shall I direct her to the garage or the parking area?"

"Garage, and please open the door closest to the house, Elena." Dave was getting the last of the finishing touches done to the lasagne. He'd spent the afternoon trying to get the house and himself in order. Artie had been in his rooms, checking the place out. "Music, audio level 5, and please use the instrumental play list. Thank you, Elena."

"Calm down, Daddy. I will not allow her to hurt you. Physically, at least. I do not know how effective I would be against psychological attacks."

"Attacks? Oh, right. No, erm, I understand. Shouldn't be any worse than work."

"If you say so, Daddy." Elena's attention was divided, welcoming Helen - "Good evening, Ms. Narbon. I must ask you to please leave any weaponry in the garage. Scanners indicate two energy weapons and a scalpel set on your person."

"What? You don't trust me?"

Considering Dave's reaction to her earlier statement, Elena altered her standard reply to this question. "No, Ms. Narbon, not until you have been properly assimilated into the household." Helen paled, and quickly divested herself of the inventory Elena had listed, leaving them in the scooter. Well, at least Helen's reaction was less explosive than Dave's.

Dave greeted Helen at the door from the garage to the house. "Um, hi. I, ah, the lasagne will be ready in an hour. Would you like to see the house?"

The blue of a fatal error screen paled in comparison to the terrifying brilliance of Helen's eyes as she smiled - "Oh, gosh, yes!" Helen noticed Dave had gone to the trouble of shaving again, and was wearing what appeared to be a new outfit, possibly something Jon had gotten for him. She thought about complimenting him, but was not sure how to start, and started to blush.

Helen's blush startled Dave, and made him even more nervous. He was no longer sure about the planned tour, but knew Elena would not let him change the script, if only to keep Helen out of the basement lab and decontamination unit. "Erm, this is my living room. From here, you can see the entire public space, dining area over there by the kitchen. The back areas are storage, my office, the mechanical controls and Elena's main server..."

>>>>

Artie joined them as Helen and Dave proceeded to the roof. Elena had kept an eye on the timing of the tour so they would get to the roof about ten minutes before sunset. Artie was mildly surprised by Dave's sartorial change, and even more so by the wine chilling on the table on the roof. From his vantage point on Dave's shoulder, he whispered - "Are you sure you want me to join you?"

Dave cleared his throat, and said "I know you're colorblind, but I thought you might enjoy the sunset." Real smooth, Davenport. Why else should he be here? Helen was taking in the view from the balustrade, and Dave took a chance she was not listening. "Just... hang out with us for a bit. I'm not sure about her mood, but there is something I feel I'm missing."

"Like the fact that you're desperate for a chaperone?" Artie hissed.

"Um, maybe." Dave was pouring for all three. He had found a set of cordials at the winery that were stemware scaled more towards Artie's size. They were still too big, but Dave hoped they would work. He set Artie on the table with his wine and took a glass to Helen.

All the while, Helen had been in covert conversation with Elena. "The house is marvelous. Did the guys have a lot to do?"

"The paint colors in the occupied rooms were adjusted slightly, and less than a third of the furnishings were items Dave had before we moved in."

"The occupied rooms?"

"Dave's suite, Artie's room and the guest suite. The other rooms on the second floor are to be additional bedrooms, studies or auxiliary rooms as need be."

Additional bedrooms? Helen was about to ask about that when Dave appeared at her elbow, a glass of wine in his hand. "Oh, thank you." She sipped, carefully, as she did not normally drink red wines. "Oh! This isn't what I expected." It was the truth in more ways than one.

Elena's timing was dead-on. Ten minutes after sunset, she notified Dave the lasagne would be ready momentarily. He excused himself, letting the others finish the wine while he took care of the last few details. Helen cleared her throat, and Artie responded - "Hm?" He was sprawled on a seat cushion Dave had placed on the table for him.

"So, what do you think?" Helen helped herself to another glass of wine, just to have something to focus on, rather than to look in Artie's direction.

"I think I am going to have to save up for a decent telescope. The low light pollution from the city makes this an excellent astronomical observation point."

"Artie! Be serious!"

"I am. I don't get much time above ground in a protected environment."

"That's just it. Dave's built this place to be safer than a maximum security prison. I had no idea he was this..." Helen searched for the proper term.

"Paranoid?" Artie mused. "Hm, he works in a laboratory dedicated to the perversion of natural laws, his boss is a mad scientist who has semi-regular evil showdowns with other mad scientists, and his boss' mother may or may not be out to kill him, depending on whether or not she feels like it at the time. Nope, I don't think he's paranoid. I think he's being sensible, for once."

"I suppose you're right. He does think more defensively than I do, and for good reason. I just wish..."

Artie cautioned her - "You really want to say that aloud?"

"What?" Helen was a little dazed, and then realized what she had been about to say in range of Elena's microphones. She made an attempt to to save the comment - "All I meant was that I wish I had his talent for seeing the possibilities even when they are the worst case scenario."

Elena then announced - "Supper is ready when you are, Ms. Narbon, Artie."

"Thank you, Elena" Artie said as he scrambled to Helen's shoulder while she gathered the wine and the glasses.

The scene that greeted them on the ground floor was frightening. The table was dressed, complete with floral arrangement and candles. Dave had even set the table with the proper array of implements, and they actually matched. "Did I go to far?" Helen whispered.

"This reminds me of your mother's adage about men and grapes" Artie whispered back.

Helen giggled - "Thanks, Artie. I needed that. It smells wonderful, Dave."

>>>>

Artie excused himself after dinner, leaving Helen and Dave alone with Elena. Helen sat at the counter, having been rebuffed in her offer to help clean up. "I am amazed by what you have done here, Dave. I mean, sure, Thomas and his crew did a lot, but the design underneath was your work."

"Elena helped a great deal, checking the codes and physics involved." Dave said as he loaded the dishwasher. "I gave her my blue sky ideas, and she made sure they stayed up. That's the last of the dishes, would you... would you like to stay for a movie?"

"Oh! I - I don't think so. I've got scads to do and want to get an early start tomorrow." Helen was babbling, gathering her things, heading towards the door.

Dave was crestfallen, and relieved at the same time. "Well, sure, another time. Are you okay to drive?" He walked with her to the garage.

Was that - concern? Helen paused, and smiled. "Sure, I'm all right to drive. I'll see you Monday, then." She pushed her scooter out the opening garage door.

Dave leaned against the garage door, watching Helen drive out the gate. "Elena, please track her and make sure she gets home okay."

You know she will be the death of you." Elena said.

I know. But Chaykin said it best - with some chicks, you just gotta put up with that."

Do you believe she is worth it?"

Dave sighed and smiled.